Shaving

Shaving

Have I mentioned how much I dislike shaving? Facial hair is like grass (and the hair on my head – what’s left of it) - it’s a perpetual nuisance. It grows, it gets cut, It grows, it gets cut ….

At least the hair on my head manages to grow at a rate that makes watching paint dry seem positively exciting, grass grows at a speed that only needs attention once a week however the hair on my face grows so fast that it needs daily (and occasionally twice daily) attention.

I prefer to “wet” shave – that euphemism for washing ones face then smearing on some kind of cream or foam and then dragging a blade or two or three across the hair so that the end result is something approaching acceptability in the community.

The creams, gels and foams all come with fancy names and fancy ingredients, calling to you from the supermarket shelf to add them to your trolley promising to turn the humdrum activity that is shaving in to something pleasurable and beneficial to ones skin. Don’t believe a word of it. Whether the gel from the can is blue, green or white it just does the same job, provides s minimum amount of lubrication so your blade (s) “glide” across your skin. PAH!

The best lubricant is oil (car manufacturers have known this for years which is why you put it in your engine) and the best shaving lubricant is also oil. Wonderful! Simply squeeze 3 or 4 drops in to the palm of your hand, add a little water, rub in to face and shave. If things begin to feel a little dry, just splash face with water and lubrication is restored. However, the shaving oil manufacturers know their little product is the diamond amongst quartz and charge accordingly. It’s not as expensive as ink for your printer but it is not far off.

And then we get to the razor itself. In the early days, you’d have (or your barber would have) a “cut throat” razor, a single, lethally sharp blade which when wielded with skill delivered a perfect shave. However, the skill was hard to come by and I’m sure that trainee barbers had a pile of bodies out the back where the “cut throat” had done just that.


Then, in the late 18th century, the “safety razor” was invented by a Frenchman. The single blade was enclosed in a body which left just enough of the blade exposed to trim the hair and nick the skin but not enough was exposed to do real damage.

Then along came Mr. King Camp Gillette and invented the first “safety razor” with disposable blades.

He also pretty much invented a form of brand marketing which is still with us today, the “loss leader”. Sell the tool (the razor) cheaply (often at below cost) and make your money on the sales of the consumables (the blades). This is used by inkjet printer manufacturers to this day. For some printers it actually costs more to replenish the ink than it does to throw away the printer and go buy a new one.

Anyway, the razor wars soon developed with an intensity which mirrored the cold war at its peak. I can remember a “blade” which was actually a ribbon of sharpened steel that you wound on to a fresh section when the part you were using became blunt. Razor 50p, blade pack – several pounds.

Then came the twin blade razor. If one blade won’t shave you close enough, two will give you the best shave of your life. After the twin blade came the pivoting head – all the better to follow the contours of your skin for the “best shave of your life”. After the pivoting head came the “lubrastrip”. That little strip of “stuff” that was supposed to keep the skin lubricated and make the whole shaving experience easier. Only it didn’t, after 2 or 3 shaves, the strip was “empty” and next to useless. I guess the psychology was to encourage you to use a new blade – that way, you’d whip through blades at the rate of several a week and be spending more than the GDP of several African nations on new blades.

But two blades weren’t enough, just like it wasn’t enough to have one nuclear warhead per missile, soon we had razors with three blades, the first blade shaves you close, the second blade shaves you closer and the third blade shaves you closer still.

What hokum. It’s like the snake oil salesmen from the Wild West. How the heck can a second blade find hair to trim if the first blade has trimmed it already? Yes, the manufacturers dished out fancy animations showing how the first blade cut the hair and the second blade pulled it out from the skin a little and trimmed it some more. Balderdash. Hair is firmly rooted, the only time it gets pulled out a little is when it’s being pulled out – and pulling out facial hair is PAINFUL….why do you think us guys shave and don’t wax our faces? PAIN!!!!!

Now we have razors with 5 blades, 4 for the “best shave ever” and a fifth one, set on its own for trimming those “difficult to reach” areas. Well, excuse me – I’ve managed perfectly well with a two blade set up, thank you very much. It shaves closely and it’s fine for those tricky areas. I guess that’s because the cartridge it is in is small enough to be maneuverable, unlike the 4 and 5 bladed behemoths where the cartridge is so unwieldy, it would be like driving a juggernaut around a tiny country lane.

So why don’t I shave with an electric – after all, they leave your face smooth, and leave you looking like a male model…..wow.

Well – how can they “shave as close as a blade – or your money back”? I don’t see it. There’s a sheet of metal (the foil) that sits between the blade and your skin. The hair goes through the holes and slots in the foil and is trimmed by the blade – so what about the bit that s in the hole or slot? How does that get trimmed? Well it doesn’t. If I use an electric razor, my five o’ clock shadow makes an appearance at 2pm. That’s how I know it does not shave as close as a blade.

Also, my facial hair is unruly and undisciplined – it does not lie all pointed in the same direction and so an electric finds It difficult to round up all the hairs and present them to the blades so I end up with straggles – and have had to use a blade to trim in the past and I’ve tried razors from the best – Braun, Remington, Philips – from little battery powered ones that I kept in the car to multi-headed mains powered lawn mowers and they all have the same problem. My five o’clock shadow ignores the schedule and puts in an appearance mid afternoon.

So, why don’t I grow a beard? Well, as a self confessed Geek, I’d have to have one of those trendy goatee things and I reckon that keeping it trimmed would be more trouble than shaving and if I just went for a more traditional beard well…..oh heck…..if I want to save some food for later I’ll pop it in a Tupperware box and put it in the fridge. I don’t want to be able to revisit my meals by sucking on my beard and although I love the wildlife of this country, I think enough hedgerows are being planted these days that birds and bees and sundry other critters don’t need me to provide them with a home in my own personal bush.