MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

CAUTION - Lidl Scam

This is a warning to men who may be regular Lidl or Aldi customers. Over the last month one of my friends became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few odd's and ends has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 25-26 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy little T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

He had his wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th, three times last Saturday and it's very likely to happen again this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Woolies have wallets on offer for £2.99 each.

All I want for Christmas is...........

That the merchandising and hooplah starts in November!

Here we are at the beginning of September and already (as of Monday September 8th, our local Asda-Walmart had Halloween paraphernalia and regalia out in full force - well I suppose it is a little under 2 months before this major event!!

However what was worse was that this weekend saw the rolling out of the Christmasware in at least 3 stores that we visited. Boots had Christmas Crackers and Christmas toiletries already on display, our local "Pets at Home" had advent calendars and the Co-op had Christmas sweets, mince pies etc....can you believe it...it gets earlier and earlier each year...it won't be long until the start of Christmas meets itself on the way out from the previous year.

Google Chrome - shiny shiny shiny

As I use Google Chrome more and more, I discover more and more about it. As an example, I am having to complete a detailed on-line assessment that requires a lot of on-line form filling. Since I am not the worlds most accurate typist I often have to make my entries in Word and copy and paste them in to the form - just to be able to run a spell checker across my work before committing the data to "the powers that be".

this is a pain in the butt and time consuming - no more is it an issue - Google Chrome automatically checks my spelling for me, as I type and errors are underlined in red with options presented on the right-click of my house.

OK, so the dictionary needs a little education - it appears not to recognise Google for example but it's a lot better than nothing at all!

Hooray - - :-)

Txting is "fun"

You really have to watch this to believe it. This is a guy riding a motorbike whilst texting - and it's nothing like you think it is.......

Google Chrome - is it the Emperors New Clothes?

So, Google release a new browser called "Chrome" - with all of the competition out there from Mozilla (Firefox), Opera and Microsoft Internet Explorer why should Google release a browser and why should we take any notice?

Well, the answer is more closely related to the way that you use your browser rather than whether you should change for change's sake.

If you simply open your browser and look at web pages sequentially, then there's probably very little benefit in changing - unless you want to have a look at "the new" although pdf documents open significantly faster in Chrome.

Where it comes in to its own is with tabbed browsing. Opening new tabs has been a long term differentiator between Firefox and Opera (both of which have had tabs for a long time) and Internet Explorer - which only gained tabs in its latest update. Tabbed browsing enables you to have multiple web sites (or pages from the same site) open at the same time.

With all other browsers though, a problem with one page in one tab can (and does) freeze the whole browser. Imagine that you have webmail open in one browser and you are half way through composing an email, you have a web based spreadsheet open in another tab and go to a third tab to do a little research for your email. You launch the tab, navigate to the target site and have to wait for Java to load. Your browser is frozen and you wait and wait....until...you realise that the web page you need for research has locked up your browser. No option - crash out of the browser and re-start. You could have lost your email draft AND any unsaved data in your spreadsheet.

This is where Chrome is different. Each browser tab runs like a stand alone program so if a tab has problems, it can be closed WITHOUT AFFECTING the other open tabs!

Chrome has also been designed around web computing - not web browsing so all YouTube aficionados, all of those who use web based applications (Google Docs, Zoho and the like) will all see benefits.

Last but not least of the features that i have found and like is that if you are working on a document and open another tab for research - if you have space on your desktop with a large monitor, a wide screen or you have multiple monitors, you can pull the research tab "away" from your main instance of Chrome and have it open in its new window.

It may just be in "beta" i.e not fully developed, it may not have all of the options available to Firefox (Firefox has thousands of useful ad ons) bit I have to admit that I like Chrome a lot.

And...the way that it works it not too far away from being an operating system in its own right. If you do everything remotely through your web browser (Thin Client Computing - Wikipedia definition) then Chrome may just be the best way to achieve it.