Friday Humour

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing

Road Rage Rant

Some of you will disagree with me over this, hopefully some of you may agree but I feel the need to rant.

A few days ago, I was travelling across Wiltshire on a nice country road. Speed limit 60mph, road certainly safe at that (and higher) speed - just a nice road to drive on. It has some sweeping curves, lovely scenery and a good surface. The one thing it is not so good for is overtaking, it is lightly trafficked which makes overtaking opportunities infrequent and the sweeping curves are blocked by trees, cutting down on visibility.

So, there I was, looking forwards to an enjoyable drive when I arrive behind a driver doing 40mph. Nothing wrong with that, in it self. The driver was wearing a hat (not baseball more Trilby) and his passenger looked quite small with grey hair.

Aha - the retired driver and his wife out for a gentle meander across the countryside. I come across these all the time and don't have a problem, after all - I'll be old and grey soon enough and I just hope that i manage to keep my faculties in good enough order to be able to continue to drive.

However, what got my goat was that this couple had a new (less than 1 year old) Volkswagen Golf GTi

Now this car has a turbo charged 2ltr engine delivering 200 HP, a 0 to 60 acceleration of under 7 seconds and a top speed over 140mph.

The car has a 6 speed gearbox and suspension tuned for performance. So why would someone buy a car tuned for performance and pootle around at 40mph on a road that was just crying out to be driven on. They should have been in my car and I should have been in theirs. Then, even if we were in the same order on the road, the vehicles would be more in tune with their respective drivers.

Oh well - - - just road rage I guess.

Joke of the week

So, this man - fresh back from the USA visits an entertainment agent and says
"I'm just back from a successful tour of the USA with Toby my talking dog - can you get me any bookings in the UK?"

"Hmmmm....." says the agent a touch cynically - "Let's see shall we"

The agent then looks a the dog and asks "What were the conditions like in the US?"

To which the dog, looking the agent straight in the eyes, replies "Ruff"

"Hmmmmm" says the agent, looks at the dog and asks "So, how was the flight back?"

Again, the dog looks the agent straight in the eyes and replies "Ruff"

The agent, becoming more sure of his position and seeing that the man has a copy of today's newspaper, looks at the dog and asks "What are the headlines in today's paper?"

The dog just sits and looks at the agent.

The agent asks the question again, this time in a slightly louder voice.

The dog does not move.

The agent transfers his gaze to the dog's owner who, looking very embarrassed, gets up and drags the reluctant dog from the office.

In the corridor, the man rolls the newspaper in to a tight tube and begins to beat the dog, interspersing the beating with his words

"WHY DID YOU NOT" "TELL THE MAN" "THE BLOODY HEADLINES IN THE BLOODY" "NEWSPAPER. YOU'VE RUINED" EVERY" "THING NOW"

Cowering, the dog sits and looks pitifully at the man for a few moments. Finally, he opens his mouth and says............





"I've lost count of the number of times that I have told you that I still can't read"

Worst kept secret

Hello and happy new year.

Yesterday, January 9th 2007, Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers, announced the launch of the new Apple phone, the iPhone. For many in the IT sector, this was more the confirmation of one of the biggest rumours from the last 6 months as opposed to anything new.

Many new stories claim to have had early and exclusive pictures of the phone. However none of them seem to have gotten it right - they were all wide of the mark. The iPhone design seems to taken everyone by surprise - it looks fabulous - now all it has to do is to work as well as it looks. The 2 images to the left show 2 views of the phone, the top shows the user interface whilst the second image shows the iPhone with an image acting as the wallpaper.

Why should everyone have been surprised by the look? Beats me. After all, Apple's chief product designer, Jonathan Ive, has a history of great design with Apple. Just look at all Apple products, the iMac, MacMini, MacBook, all the iPods - not a poor or substandard design amongst them.

however, the quality of the user interface also looks to have caught people out. Today, as mobile phones become more and more complex they seem to become less and less intuitive to use. Apple may just have broken the mould.

However, it's not just a phone, it's a wide screen iPod as well capable of playing music and videos - in portrait or landscape with a sensor built in to detect which way you are holding the screen. Not only is it an iPod but it can browse the web and the size of the screen and ease of use may just make the iPhone the best way to browse the web on the move.

So, what can it do as a phone, well all your standard phone things, make and receive calls, collect voice mail (AND let you listen to your messages in the order YOU choose - not just in the order they were received - you can send and receive SMS text messages and use the 2MP camera to take photos. Of course, with plenty of storage space on board, you probably won't have to worry about running out of space for your photos.

Back to the web - not only do you have a fully featured web browser but access to your email, access to maps (provided via my favourite on-line mapping service, Goggle Maps) and desktop widgets - which allow great tools to be added to the iPhone.

Oh, and the iPhone is controlled through the use of a touch screen that is set up to accept your finger as the key "touching" device - no more fussing with (and losing) fiddly styli. And it has wireless networking, making it easy to transfer music and photos to and from your home computer and allowing to use wireless access points when you are out and about.

I have to say that I am certainly impressed. If the user experience matches the design (and I have a feeling that it will) then I have only one comment to add......where do I join the queue to buy one?